Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in johnnychinaman's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
12:29 am	Illusionist. That's all she is. She builds up this illusion of how it "could" be. But, in reality, she loves the fact that she can control someone's actions. She's a puppetmaster, gleefuly kackling at her puppets while making them bend over backwards to accomplish what she wants done. I'm also very fed up with the lies. I mean, seriously, if you want to go back to him, then by all means, go back to him. If you want to fuck with that crackhead that you are obviously attracted to, then do that. And if you want to give up the person who is unforgettable because he loves you dearly, then have at it. Lose your mind. I am so edged right now, it's funny. I do see all these other girls and opportunities. I can't compare them to her because she's one of a kind, but she's an illusion. The reason why she won't let me in is because she doesn't want me to figure out what I have already come to know. So just give it a fucking rest. Come clean. And let me go. Current Mood: curious Current Music: Assassin's Tango - John Powell (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
9:57 pm	For the record I just read some old blogs. There are numerous "this is it" or "I'm done with all this drama" bullshit I wrote. Fuck. I'm never done. I never want to be done. A lot of the reason I end up being done is because I put closure to it. I don't want to be the one that fuckin' sits there and gets shit on. It makes me feel better if I have a mutual or personal end to something that I really worked hard for. But this is really going too far. I can't get one bit of honesty out of the girl that I hold close. And it's ok. Because I'm not going to try and make myself feel sorry for myself. I'm not gonna be pissed at her because she'd love it way too much. I'm not gonna accept whatever shit she's done that's "dirty". I honestly am just gonna fuck everything and drastically change. Or go back to the way I used to be. Not. Giving. A. Fuck. I see how it is with the fictional character. He is a free spirit. He knows he has done plenty of sins and will never go anywhere good for them. But he knows this because of one thing. He knows what is right. Even though he doesn't want to conform to the norm, he knows what is suppose to be done for "good". And I do know that. I just need to come back to my reality, which, ironically, is everyone's fiction. I need to be carefree. Lose all my flaming, worldly possessions. Let everything that truly doesn't matter slide. Fuck it, man. I'm back. And I'm not saying it's a revelation. I'm just saying. Back to the old drawing board. Because I can draw pretty fucking good. Current Mood: exanimate Current Music: Juice(The Ledge) - Rakim (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
7:54 pm	Oh, happiness over little things. They bring out the biggest joy in me. Little things. Big joy. How contradictory...not really contradictory. But contrasting. I really love the fact that she made an effort to come see me for my birthday. I was starting to lose hope. But she came through. And that's why I love her so. And not in a friend way. I mean, yeah, I do love her as a friend. I realize the importance of that now. But I really do love her for who she is. That is why I pull back and let it go. And even though there's not much time left for her to be here and we don't talk much, I cherish any second I see her. Man, I put up the facade of bitterness. Yeah, I have a facade. As does everyone. But my bitterness is really a part of me. Bitter that I come so close to something I really desire, but then, I fail. But the bitterness is an outlet. An outlet whilest killing time. I hope she would understand that. I know it's not on her mind that she would be with me...but I always have that hope. And as far as other women go, since it's been advised to me numerous times, I've been talking and socializing with them. But I'm really not hoping for anything with them. I'm just killing time, man. I thank God for her. And I thank her for the surprise. 27. I'll remember. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: Just Like Heaven - The Cure (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
6:26 pm	Just not the same. First Thursday was introduced to me by Kira. Ok, technically, it was introduced to me by the Art Institute, but I never went until 4 years later. With Kira. And now, I'm going down there. To meet with friends and such. Bailed out on 3 possible chicks. And one bailed on me for a wedding. It's ok, though. I really feel empty. I don't give a crap about anything, really. I want to just wander around. I'm thinking about taking up that offer with John. Battle stations. Or Battle zone. Has a nice ring to it, yeah? No? Whatever. Current Mood: morose Current Music: I Miss You - Incubus (Comment on this)
Monday, July 31st, 2006
7:19 pm	Lost it. I've seriously lost it. I haven't talked to her for a few days, and I just texted her. She didn't reply about the concert. She could have changed her mind. She tends to do that. But I love her for it. Do I really like having problems to solve in my life? It's like they said in Memento. "I have to believe that my actions still have meaning." "I have to believe that when I close my eyes, the world's still there." The creation of conflict to keep life interesting. To have meaning. I've always believed that everyone does this. Including myself. The reward of solving a conflict is what people yearn for. When a couple fights, they sometimes fight over the dumbest things. Why? Because they either want to solve the problem of being in a shitty relationship, or want to solve the non-existent problem that they have in their relationship to feel like they conquered something. Something that was completely null to begin with. I am a sick person. Good day, good night, and everything else in the middle. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Obokuri Eeumi - Samurai Champloo OST (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
4:35 pm	So ridiculous. How stupid does she think I am? Serious? She doesn't reply. She doesn't answer. She reads my mail. I give her nothing but the best. I've been nothing but nice, except for those times that she's pissed me off. She just keeps going with her nonsense. Like, "oh, I don't know what you're talking about." Or, "I'm not even mad about anything." What happened to "we should just be real to each other, and we'll be alright."? Serious. I'm being real. She's putting on a facade just to be fake. Whatever. Damn, I wish it was like those days where we got along. Those were fantastic. I mean, seriously. What the hell happened? Does she think I want to tie her down? Even after she said she wanted to be promiscuous, I told her to go ahead, but not to forget about me. And even after she said she wanted to be friends, I agreed to it. But what kind of "friend" doesn't reply to you? Last I checked, friends communicated. And when she said she really liked me, what a load of shit. Utter shit. I opened up. I really wanted to let her in. And I did. She started to open up. But, then, it was like I got to peek in the crack, then...BAM! The door shut on my fingers. You know the pain you receive on those nerve endings when that happens? Yeah, that's what's going on within me right now. I have pain. I really do. I love the girl to death, but be fucking real to me. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Welcome Home - Coheed & Cambria (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
2:04 am	The return. It's funny how much I've changed within a year...a little bit more. It's funnier how much I haven't. I'm still the same wreck that I was back then. Re-reading these entries...same drama I go through everyday, right now. The only thing that I'm lacking is my faith. How can I be so stupid? I am losing it. My faith is so important to me, yet, I neglect it. I expressed how I wanted to check out Buddhism. I'm not saying I will leave my Christian faith. I'll just add on. Minh is Buddhist and Catholic. If that can be done, this can be done. Damn, I really need some help. And I've turned my back on so many things. Why? Why is everything crumbling lately? Lately? Why is everything crumbling...has been crumbling...or going to crumble? I do notice this. I was a much more stronger person back then. I have a new weakness, though. Which, ironically, is an old weakness. But my it's just been lingering so long that it's become an infectuous disease. Eating away at my immunity. I'll find a cure. God will help me. Only if I stay strong with Him. And that is definitely something I must work on. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Symphony No. 9 (Scherzo) - Ludwig Van Beethoven (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
1:43 am	Speaking Too Soon. Well, things went downhill. I am not lost, though. I am turning to God. I should have never let myself slip away like this from Him anyway. I was more at peace and had a lot of love when I was dedicated to Him. She needs to let go of this bitterness in her heart and truly mean it. When that day comes, though, I don't know if I'll feel the same. But God gave us the ability to forgive and to learn compassion. I'll be fine. I just hope she will be. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: Fair - Remy Zero (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 5th, 2005
1:53 am	Cinco De Mayo Wow. This is the coolest Cinco De Mayo I've ever had. Not that I ever acknowledge the holiday or whatever, but it's cool...so far. I'm so full right now. I ate a lot today. Freakin' ham and cheese thing from Sunrise Bagel, Starbucks, Wendy's, pork chops, cake...what the hell?! I need to start eating healthier again. I'm happy. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Wonderwall - Oasis (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
4:48 am	Tired Of This Shit So tonight, I went fishing. I didn't catch anything but a cold. Just my luck. But. then again, who else would go fishing late at night in the cold? Obviously, I brought it on myself. I'm so anxious for summer to get here already. I'm tired of this shitty weather. Tired of the cold. Tired of the rainy days with a moment of sunshine. Tired of so many things. I had a lot of time to sit and think about a lot of things. Things that I do that I don't think will affect me, but really, they hurt me. Yeah, I have a lot of flaws, but I can only blame it on "being human" for so long. We all have a good idea of what's right and wrong, but we still do things that we shouldn't. Why? It's ridiculous! I used to think that maybe it's because we, as humans, can't live without conflict. We always have to find something wrong with something in order to make life interesting. We take a lot of things for granted. Things in front of us that we are actually looking for, but we don't see...or refuse to see. Why do we do that? Is it because we are hoping for something "better" to come along? If that's the case, then aren't we just being selfish? I used to do this a lot, but lately, I've been telling myself that if I find something, I want to keep a focus on that, and that alone. Maybe I'm just getting old...and tired. I'm tired of being a scapegoat. I'm tired of neglecting things that I love and love me back. I'm tired of temptation. I'm tired of being irresponsible. I'm tired of not knowing what to do. I'm tired of fucking up. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Lullaby - Jack Johnson (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
3:20 am	Haha Alright, I know I, myself, pull a lot of this shit all the time, but seriously...it's so fucking annoying when people who don't give a shit about true, deep meaning in life try to get all philosophical. Seriously. Get your words right when you try to construct a "meaningful" sentence. Better yet, know what those words mean. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Pushing the Sky - Cowboy Bebop Movie Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
7:52 am	Good Morning. So, last night was pretty eventful. After waking up from my nap, I went to Ryan's house to have a barbecue. Yeah, I know I was supposed to bring some food, but I got lazy. Next time, man, I will supply the food and drink. Anyway, it was pretty chill there. All I did was kick back and play some guitar. Others indulged themselves with Halo 2, not noticing that their food was ready for them. So we took the liberty of eating some of it. Anyway, I had a couple of cigars over there. I really should stop smoking...but it was a cigar. You know you don't inhale...um, yeah. So I found out some things about other people that I know that kind of surprised me, but at the same time, not really. Nothing negative, nothing positive, just somewhere in the middle. Either way, it was really cool to hang out with these people. I felt so out of place, though. Seriously. Meh. When am I not? So anyway, I bail out early to go hang with Dayton. This mofo just had his first bodybuilding competition, and hadn't eaten like he usually does in weeks. He had a mission to stuff his face with unhealthy items after his first show, so I said that I would hang with him for a moment. So I watched him scarf down some burgers and fries, and he called it a night. Off to my next destination. Ok, let me start off by saying that this person bugs the shit out of me. She calls and texts all the time and wonders why I don't call her back or come over. Sure, I may sound like the asshole now, but the fact of the matter is that this person is a skankbag. Why would I want to be involved with someone like that? Anyway, she tells me that if I want her to stop calling or texting that I should come visit one last time to sort things out. So I go. I pay no attention to whatever bullshit she has to say to me. I even sign on to the computer and talk to friends on AIM. Anyway, to make a long story short, she tries to set me up. She has her boyfriend come over at the same time. What she didn't realize is that I knew her boyfriend, and he knew that I could care less about her. Shame on her for thinking that she was crafty. There was no drama to be fed my way. She just added more to her own life. How ridiculous was that event??? So I head out to the 24 hour Starbucks to grab some coffee. I sat there and I wondered about things for about 3 hours in the parking lot. I thought about my parents and how they're doing. I thought about my grandma and how her birthday is coming up, yet, I won't get to see her. I thought about how my cousin is becoming an accomplished man, and has a lot going for him...and he's 7 years younger than me. I thought about how some of the more recent friends that I've made have made a pretty strong impact in my life. I thought about how the world doesn't care if all you want to be in your life is happy. I thought about how many stupid decisions I've made in my life. I thought about the experience I've gained from those stupid decisions. I thought about how people take life for granted way too much. I thought about the future. I thought about the inevitability of death. As I sat and thought about these things, I started wishing that I was a schizo and had my own Tyler Durden. Then, I come back to reality. I realize that my gas light is on because I've been running the engine the whole time. Have I really been sitting there for that long? Oh, I forgot...gas is about $2938498274983.13 per gallon now. So I haven't had a full tank in awhile. I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I don't gas up, I drive home, and now I'm here. Awake. For no reason. And the moral of the story...? Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: L'Appuntamento - Ocean's 12 Soundtrack (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
4:02 am	April Fools Sucked So, I didn't get to prank anyone like I had planned. It sucks. I wanted to have a good time just joking around with friends tonight. Instead, I ended up staying later at work than I really wanted to be...again. I didn't think it could be possible, but it was really shitty the past 3 nights I worked. I keep getting bullshit projects thrown at me and I had to deal with asshole customers today. I won't go into detail on everything, but there was this guy who was being a dick because we had to get people out of the auditorium when we were cleaning it. It happened to be the one Sin City was in. The big auditorium. So we had to kick out about 20 people because they all showed up early. Anyway, we cleaned it up as best we could, then we asked people to come back in. Some fuckface walked up toward me with a pissed off look on his face and leaned to me and said, "next time, clean this shit faster." So I stood there and gave him a semi "I'm gonna kill you" smile and said, "ok." Next time I see that guy, I'm gonna sock him in the face. Anyway, I planned to go to Sin City with some friends after work. They showed up and they were being real nice and said hi to me, but I was being a prick and ignored them. I felt really bad because they didn't deserve to get the asshole treatment from me. They didn't do anything wrong. So yeah, I apologize a million times over. I've never been that pissed off at work. Usually I let things slide, but I think the customers are finally getting to me. That kinda sucks, but whatever. I can overcome all that nonsense. I think I am just frustrated with other aspects in my life that I am starting to feel that I need to vent out on something. Anyway, I got off of work and I watched a bit of the movie, but I kept getting texted and called. I left early and sorted out some retarded problems with some really retarded people. I come home after that and was bored out of my mind. So I called my cousin and asked what he was up to. He was hungry so we decided to go to Denny's. Yeah. Anyway, we go down there and we talk for a bit with his friend Jacob. So we finally get tired of that place and he went home. I went and hung out with Junior at the other Denny's. Junior's a tard because he ate pancakes and French toast before a competition. You're supposed to dehydrate yourself before a body building show, fool!!! Anyway, I sat there and talked to him for a bit and also to my friend Phil. We ended up really tired so we all decided to head home. So, voila. I'm here. On the computer. When I'm tired. Isn't life grand??? Current Mood: drained Current Music: Caress Me Down - Sublime (Comment on this)
Friday, April 1st, 2005
4:26 pm	Junk Food Mania I started the day out alright. Had Starbucks and looked for apartments. Then, I took a little nap. Woke up and my stomach was growling. I didn't have any food so I went to pick up my nephew from school. The little guy always has a stock of candy or something to munch on. So I ask him if he has any food. He busts out the gummi worms and the donuts. It was sickening. We ate so much and I felt like my tear ducts were gonna start dripping saturated fat. I have another little eating competition thing coming up on the 17th. No, it's not about eating the most. It's fasting..for no reason. Me and Ben are gonna do it. It's gonna be awesome. I learned my mistake this last time around with fasting. Never gourge after you fasted. Take it slow...eeeease into food. Yeah. I'm hungry. Current Mood: hungry Current Music: Let Me Love You - Mario (Comment on this)
5:48 am	Ridiculous I worked for a long time again tonight. It was crazy. We had a couple of crap projects to do, and we didn't even get them done. But I don't care. I'm off, I just had Starbucks, and I'm looking for new apartments. It's awesome. I haven't slept yet, so maybe I'm just really delirious. Anyway, I have to work again tonight. I bet anything that I get stuck with late night. Somehow, I always get screwed with being there the latest. I guess I shouldn't complain. More spending money, right? Oh well. I really like that job. It's not much with the pay, but the people are really cool. I don't know about the upcoming batch, though, because...well, you know how new people can just fuck up the vibe. But the people now are great. I'd even dare say that it's my favorite job so far. Well, pretty close. Impulse Productions was pretty fun...traveling, promoting, media team, perks...dang, I kinda miss that job!!! Anyhow, as far as my personal affairs, my eyes are open. I have a focus on something. I don't feel that emptiness I've been feeling anymore...as much. The only reason that came out is because I focused on the emptiness aside from the blessings I've so thankfully been given. I just try to enjoy now. I try to "drink in the moments that take your breath away". I hope I can keep up this positive attitude. I should try not to worry about things so easily. Regardless of all that I say, though, I still want to love and be loved. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: My Boo - Passion featuring Reena (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 31st, 2005
1:47 am	Initial D So, today, I beat Boi in two courses. Smoked him. Then, he smoked me in four other courses. Yeah, I suck, but whatever. I'm getting better. I need to learn how to drive the manual on that game. In other news, Lloyd Center finally has an Express. I wanna go shopping in there, but I know it's just a waste of money. I'd be broke as hell. I need to save up for New York this July. It's gonna be insane. I should enter that competition and show Kobayashi how it's done. JK...maybe. Anyway, laundry time. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Remember Me - Initial D Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
6:54 pm	I'm A NERD!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! You scored as Sci-Fi/Fantasy. You scored Sci-Fi/Fantasy. Depending on the movie this might not deserve a "Congratulations", but you're interested in the future and imaginary worlds far from your own. You probably wish you could be somebody else, or live in one of the worlds from your favourite movies. Check out: Lord of the Rings, Spiderman, Star Wars, The Matrix. </td> Sci-Fi/Fantasy 90% Romantic Comedy 75% Artistic 75% Mindfuck 50% Drama/Suspense 50% Sadistic Humour 50% Mindless Action Flick 35% Movie Recommendation. created with QuizFarm.com I mean, come on...who really wants to be themselves in their everyday life. Everyone dreams, man. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Everlong - Foo Fighters (Comment on this)
5:18 am	Wow. Work tonight was horrendous. I thought I was gonna get in, get out, boom. Done. Damn, was I wrong. I was getting shit done for usher, but then, Marjack came. It sucked me dry. I worked til one. The only reward I had was watching Sin City. That movie is freakin' awesome. Go watch it when it comes out. Seriously. Hardigan is my hero. That sick old man getting with a hot young vixen like that?! WHOA!!! Hehe anyway, I'm going to go build a wall tomorrow. It's gonna be fun. I loved making that one sheathwall with Trevor last time at work. It was insane and I learned a lot. I love hands on work. Take that paper work office job to the yuppies. My hands are for hard work. I am gonna build a house someday...if I don't die before that day happens!!! Anyhow, I am feeling a little bit more tranquil. I analyzed a lot of shit tonight and I feel like I am just hurting my life more than helping it the way I'm going right now. Focus, man. That's all I need. Focus. Current Mood: cranky Current Music: 7/29/04 The Day Of - Ocean's 12 Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
1:45 am	Let Me Explain... Ok, so I found out that all my private thoughts, my personal moments, my deep times that I was only comfortable with sharing to a few select people, were being handed out like a fucking pamphlet at an AA meeting. How disrespectful is that??? So fuck it, from now on, I'm going to just express everything publicly without a care. It really pisses me off when my privacy is invaded, so I'll fix it. No privacy...on this thing anyway. Anyway, tonight at work blew my balls. I swear. I worked from 12PM to 12:20AM. It was fucking great. Not only did I do that, but I work at 10:15AM tomorrow morning until about 1:15PM. THEN I go back to work at 6:30PM(same day) and work til close. How fun!!! I'm just giving myself a headache. And what's even worse is that I know my paycheck will be shit. I need more jobs with the contractor place. This rain bullshit isn't helping me out any either. Alright, next subject to bitch about. I had a long talk with Boi last night about this one girl. Ok, it wasn't long, but it seemed long. Anyway, I told him I was going to break it off or just cut myself completely off with her. He told me to be patient. I told him that if I get any more patient, I'll lose interest. He said that he's seen me do it before and I have a point. I told myself that if I really gave a shit about this girl that I wouldn't do the same old shit. I should really just be patient. But you know what? FUCK all this if I get screwed over in the end. I really care for this girl, but damn...what's it all for if it's not meant to be? Experience? I've had enough rejection. More than I can fucking handle...hell, more than 3 guys can handle in a lifetime. Ok, moving on, I need to work out. I am not in shape. The fasting just fucked me up more. I am sure I lost weight, but I know I lost a lot of muscle. I need to step up with dancing again. That shit really made me feel like I was a 12 year old. I need to work on flips and new freezes again. My shit is the same old shit over and over. I need to just blow up at this point in my life, otherwise, I won't progress at all. Finally, I have to apologize to my friends and family. I haven't been keeping in touch lately, and I am a dick for it. I'm sorry. I need to clear myself out. Figure everything out that I need to do. I know I should not have any excuses to give to any of you. I just am sorry. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Little District - Bradley Nowell of Sublime (2 Comments |Comment on this)